Resentment in Romantic Relationships
For this week’s blog post, Kindred Roots Therapy Inc.’s very own Claire McMillan spent time writing about a very common issue within romantic partnerships.
You guessed it..
Resentment.
Claire has written the following post below for insights and tips on recognizing resentment, how to handle it, and what to reflect on within your own relationship dynamics. We’ve all been there, and if you find any of this resonates with you, we’d love to hear from you!
If you’d like to learn more about Claire, please follow the button below to read all about her specialties, her practice and more!
Resentment in Relationships
Let’s start by acknowledging that being resentful is extremely confusing and exhausting.
If you’re reading this because you’re going through it, I feel for you and I’m with you.
This is my perspective and experience on resentment specifically in romantic
relationships. This may be helpful for people pleasers out there who tend to put others'
needs above their own.
Resentment often stems from your needs not being met and/or boundaries being
pushed. It can be really confusing: feeling frustrated, lonely, unsure, or all of the above.
For some relationships, resentment comes from communicating what you need over
and over, and feeling like nothing is changing. It can be a vicious cycle of: try to
communicate your feelings → turns into an argument → not feeling resolved → try to
move on. When there is no resolution or growth in a relationship, resentment can creep
in. It can look like: getting angry over small things that wouldn’t normally upset you,
feeling disconnected from your partner(s), less positives towards your partner(s) (less
compliments, less affection, less intimacy etc.), feeling more anxious or unsure of the
relationship, internalizing your thoughts/feelings (no longer feeling like sharing your
thoughts/feelings is helpful or beneficial). Some levels of resentment are normal in a
relationship, however there comes a point where it may feel consuming or
unmanageable.
Here are some tips/steps if your feeling resentment towards your partner(s):
1) Tune into yourself. Spend some time focused on you and how you’re feeling. It is
hard to communicate why you’re upset if you don’t know why you’re upset. Pour
effort and love into yourself and things that you value.
2) Say how you’re feeling and what you need (to the best of your ability). Your
needs are just as important. It is a disservice to everyone in the relationship if
you aren’t speaking your mind and showing up authentically. You deserve to be
with someone who will make you feel heard.
3) Set boundaries and don’t bend them. Communicate those boundaries to your
partner(s). Don’t make up imaginary tests in your head and then be upset when
your partner doesn’t pass them. This isn’t helpful and you wouldn’t appreciate it
the other way around.
4) Pay attention to early on signs of resentment. Are you still feeling uneasy after an
argument? Don’t ignore this. Are you feeling more frustrated by your partner than
usual? Talk to them about it.
5) How you communicate is so important. You are resentful and you are angry, it
can come off that way and that can contribute to defensiveness. Focus more on
what you need, rather than blaming the other person ex. “I would really
appreciate blank, because it makes me feel blank” vs. “You don’t do this for me”.
6) Lastly, I believe there comes a point when it isn’t salvageable. Too much damage
has been done, or it’s no longer feeling healthy or satisfying and you don’t want
to work on it anymore. Know when to call it. You know yourself best. Conflict and
working on a relationship is important and necessary, but constantly feeling
drained by your relationship and feeling like it is not a partnership is not. There is
someone out there who it won’t feel so hard with and who will help you feel
heard/seen. Don’t settle.
If you’re confused, try to pay attention to who this person is and how they show up vs.
who you want them to be/how you want them to show up. Do these things match? Has
there been growth? Or are these two completely different people? It is good to be
empathetic and patient, and to want growth for your relationship. However, make sure
you’re also paying attention to if your needs are being met. There’s a difference
between a good person and a good person for you.
I find that with resentment in relationships that lead to a breakup, there is often a lot of
emotional labor done (usually more so on one end) before it gets to a breaking point.
Again, I believe that many of these things can be worked through and can make
relationships stronger. However, you will know when you’ve reached your breaking
point; when the resentment and anxiety outweighs the happiness and satisfaction, and
when you feel you’ve tried everything you can to mend it. It is a hard pill to swallow that
love is not all you need for a relationship to be successful. And it will still be painful,
even if you know you’ve made the right decision for you.
This is not a sign to break up with your partner(s). This is a sign to communicate your
needs and boundaries. You sharing your thoughts and feelings is a privilege and
deserves to be treated as such. Again, resentment is confusing. It is hard to see until it
is all you can see. Resentment feels impossible, but there are many things within your
control to change the narrative. You’ve got this!